Relationships vs Love
Relationships are an illusion. We don’t have relationships, we have relational positions.
God didn’t give us relationships, He gave us Love. With Death flashing across the corridor, the only relationship a human can actually sustain is the one with God (The Covenant).
Whatever you build with other people can be called partnerships – these are bound to “ideas” and “projects”. Love lives separately: it must be seen – with awareness – and held, like you hold a territory. Love doesn’t go when contracts end or the territory is destroyed; it converts into Grief.
Grief is Love that refuses to die. For many people, sharing “field love” with others is not trustworthy, so they practise Love/Grief in art, in virtue or in ideology – anything that can carry its charge. Many would try relationships to compartmentalise their Love/Grief, but be disappointed or scared by the lack of shared awareness of Love’s value.
Someone I loved died, but Love didn’t disappear with them; it continued as Grief. Death came again and again to humble me early in life: the asymmetry between what is felt and what can be done is enormous. Mr Shame walks in to add his sentence – the mechanism to stop the gift of God being carried on Earth. When the field of love cannot be protected, Love/Grief can be saved with Grace.
Mr Shame would gladly benefit from that Grace, owning it, taking a free ride on the situation. The pain a human experiences comes from this distortion – Mr Shame using Grace, or anything else that twists field love. Discernment is the ability to choose who gets Grace and to what extent. Anger is for protecting the territory from those who represent a harmful system.
“We did not have a relationship. We had Love.” Whatever happened, and whatever the other person did with that Love, the feeling of being dropped is what hurts. Most unaware people have relationships with Mr Shame; those who are seen as mature have a relationship with God; Love is given to all – mapped as “The Bunny” in my book on avoidant attachment – but it’s what you do with it that matters. And there are two systems of operation – The Beaver and The Bear – on a territory where you operate as a system.
Enjoying Love is possible if it can be protected. A protector (The Bear) is an identity of a grown-up, based on their profile, initiation and experience. Protectors act on their ranks, where rank is the right to act. So who brings what into “relationships”? Protectors offer their profile and Grace; immature people offer their wounds and anxiety.
From my memoir in progress: “The weirdest shifts were in the fog: you keep scanning the territory even if you see nothing. Early mornings were the most dangerous times because of fog. Sometimes the visibility was poor the whole day, yet we moved the cameras and observed. Healthy systems move: air, water, body, love. To a depleted nervous system, movement can be seen as a threat. The higher the rank, the more one moves around the territory. Healthy life should move.”
Nothing can be “resolved” – that’s a given – but you get to experience field love without a promised future. Anxious partners, dismissive partners, cheaters, liars – all angry at God. Every loss is an opportunity to build a relationship with God, and finally enjoy His gift of love with another protector.
Peace comes when you know you can protect it – at the cost of loss – and when your territory is the territory of The Bear. I could never have learnt it without the army experience – on a dusty base of The Bear – where The Bunny felt safe and The Beaver was not allowed.
More from the same memoir: “There I was, only 19 years old, observing 15 kilometres of the border defined by a smart, then-new fencing system. I had a comfy uniform, a bottle of water, and a radio transmitter. I knew all the IA drills and the order of commands. I felt every emotion; I could be calm, scared, entertained, hurting, or grieving. I had a mission, a map, and an appreciation of being alive. Being alive was not about the ability to go out, dance, or do all the things most young women my age in other countries could do. It was in being the observer. And this was where my whole self had to be placed – my soul, heart, mind, and body. This was life. And I did well. And I was held, and I felt loved, for the first time in my life – without intrusion.”
