A Deep Dive Into Rigid Refusal

This post is not only for the parents and educators facing students' lack of motivation, but for everyone dealing with people who refuse to engage in solving a shared problem. This post is about both young people and adults among us.

We tend to think that motivation is wired to willingness. We then judge people for not willing to do something objectively important (teachers even have to grade that!). We believe that will is a power everyone has but some choose not to apply. In some ways it is (I will convince you it isn't so, bear with me), but "power" is greatly a matter of resourcefulness.

What we observe is a teenager having enough energy for gaming and chatting, but no drive to do their exercise. Of course, we want them to engage: we give them reasons why they should study or take steps, we stress the importance of planning the future, we threaten with consequences – with zero success. Moreover, our creative energy runs low, and we get frustrated, only to repeat the cycle of judgement. So here is a guide to survive – through deep understanding – of what is actually going on.

You're dealing with a phantasm that has led the person off the road

First things first: ask yourself whether they're on the same page with you. We might share the same space and context, but everyone is living their reality – even you, living yours and yours alone. Just like within a family, people have different resources and tools based on their brain chemistry and past experiences; these resources shape their reality. You can't use a tool if you don't have it. Neither can you use it by only hearing about how great it is – you don't have it.

Instead, there are coping mechanisms.

So that could very well be addictions like phones, drugs, alcohol and games, but let's dive deeper. Coping mechanisms are also patterns of behaviour the brain has developed to survive stress of demand. They are there even with no stress and no demand, running on a mission to protect from being exposed and hurt ("just in case" – this is how the brain works). When we, the receiving side, see a pattern in a form of behaviour, we judge it as a poor choice. But again, coping mechanisms are not tools (if they were, they'd work). They are present, but they're not tools. They might seem strong and valid only because they have grown into phantasms.

A phantasm is the story built around trauma. So say there was a traumatic event ("I was bullied because I said something") and it wrapped up into a story ("I am awful when I say something"). It is important to understand that these stories are the source of great pain. Why? Because when that trauma happened, the person had no safe space to go, for they were either too young and dependent or restricted by circumstances. They actually had no choice, so they never learned it as a tool. The survival brain has isolated the event in a form of coping mechanisms that everyone around sees through a moral prism. The brain was conditioned; the person is locked in his own very limited world. There was no freedom, there was no choice. Choice is something to be learnt and claimed. If we want morality, it has to be introduced.

Step 1: Don't take the refusal personally

It is never about you. It is not even about you versus their behaviour. It is not you against their "choice", as there is none. It is you against another person's brain and its phantasms. There is absolutely nothing you can do when someone's wounds decide for them. So what CAN you do?

This depends on your role in the context.

It is the job of a specialist, a licensed therapist, to help the person go through their trauma and realise that feeding that pain with stories has made the phantasm become their personality. That journey is long – and none of anyone's business. Leave it to professionals just like you would leave doctors perform an operation. You can't make people change – you can make them a cup of tea, you can make them a sandwich, but you can't make them change. If you're not their therapist, wait for them at the exit to meet their authentic self. (That might also never happen, by the way).

If you aren't their therapist, but still a close person (abusive people should leave now)

Step 2: You create a space for them

Space where they can learn, unlearn, and relearn. A safe space to be vulnerable, imperfect, silly.

When I create such a space in a SEN classroom, I often observe an increase in "misbehaviour" for a while – and that is absolutely normal. All the tension is released into that space: there might be more stimming as a result of not needing to mask. And that is the healing. And that is beautiful. Because only then do I have access to them (with my agenda lol).

As a teacher you create and hold that space.

As a parent you have to create and hold that space.

As a partner you choose to hold that space.

Only if that safe space is provided will they learn about the real tools, try them and decide whether they're going back to their phantasm or tapping into their real voice. The taste of freedom creates new neural pathways, sparks curiosity, inspires creativity, and introduces choice.

3: When will I see real change?

When you all feel that the fight you fought no longer fits. It is an incredibly powerful moment (used at the end of army BCT too) to notice and acknowledge that the fight is irrelevant – and you all celebrate it and move on stronger together.

So until you've gone through the phases of understanding, assessment, self-assessment, self-regulation and space creation – reserve your judgement and your agenda, be it a task, request, or demand. Focus on what you can do, and you will enjoy life. The real power humans have is choice – when they have what to choose from, when they realise that even if they didn't choose their circumstances, they still have the choice of how they show up now. And trust me, most of us who have gone through this process will not choose phantasms and pain, because we know there's love and freedom on the opposite side of the road.